February 21st

Today was the final in what I consider to be three significant hurdles. I know people just walked around going about their normal Tuesday business. I felt as if I wanted to stop them and say, "Don't you realize what today is and how hard it is for me?" But the world went on as usual.

Today should have been a day with birthday cake, laser tag and presents. Today is the day my son, Caleb, would have turned 11 years old. In some ways, it was harder than the other two hurdles, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I guess it's because one's birthday is about just that person and no one else.

-sigh- I miss him so much I can hardly stand it sometimes.

Sometimes when I get really down, I imagine what my sweet son might be doing in heaven. I wonder if they celebrate birthdays and what an 11 year old does up there for fun. Matt, the boys and I have had some fun conversations about this. Josh thinks he's driving a Hummer and skateboarding with my grandma. I've decided he might be an activities director of sorts; planning scavenger hunts, bingo and the like.

So we went to the Baltimore aquarium today. At first, I was fighting depression so bad, I didn't want to go anywhere. Once we got there, though, it was great. I am finding that keeping the mind busy is a good way to cope with grief.

Thanks for sharing in my thoughts today. Our family can still use all the prayer we can get!



Joshua, Caleb and Tucker



Caleb being... Caleb



My boys