I wrote the following in my journal this morning:
A year ago today, my world came undone.
After a year, it still doesn't seem real.
I miss that beautiful, caring child more than I could ever put into words.
I've come to some conclusions, though, over the course of this past year. God owes us nothing. Every single day is a gift. If it's a good day, then it is a bonus. Even the ten years we had with Caleb - it was a gift. We didn't have to have any years at all, but we were graciously given ten -- a decade. And what a wonderful decade it was. To have a young man who has left behind such a legacy -- you can't make that happen. Only God can.
I won't be unrealisitc about this. My heart hurts like I never thought it could. Sometimes, in my head, I scream my questions at God. I see what my husband and son have had to experience and truly wonder why. I see my son without his partner and best friend re-learning how to live. I see two little boys whose memories of their big brother may someday be only something faint.
I know it's not fair but neither is God. He is just, though.
I got this as part of an email from my friend, Iris, yesterday:
"i was thinking about caleb today.
i was thinking about the fact that he was about my daughter's age when i met him.
even at that young age his loving qualities were very evident.
i remember how he was so giving and thoughtful even at that age...
when other children were still learning the concept of sharing... he just knew.
his sensitivity grew with every person he met.
in caleb's world, everyone's feelings mattered.
i love caleb.
and i just wanted to let you know that i was thinking about him.
he's just beautiful... and when someone's beautiful... their image is burned into your memory... it's locked away somewhere deep within the pocket in your heart."
Fortunately, today is a beautiful day. It feels like a day to be happy, so I will as much as possible. To those who have called, texted and emailed; if I don't get back to you, thank you. Thank you for remembering, praying for us, being in our life.
On another note, we have been very blessed with having folks in our home lately -- the biggest reason I wanted a bigger house with more rooms. I love having people over!! Matt's ministry partner, Jeremy, is here for a few days and we've enjoyed his company. My friend from way back, Debbie, is flying in on Monday. She and I share a lot of common interests; crocheting, sign language. She actually has experienced the loss of a child, too. Another thing, sadly, that binds us together. My parents and sister were here last weekend. They all helped out tremendously and we had a little fun in the midst of it, too.
I'm blessed to hear that there are people out there reading my blog. Please comment. It's not hard. You do have to sign up with blogger, but you don't necessarily have to blog.
My heart is really quite full of love for those dear friends and family out there. More happy blogging coming soon. I'm behind on some other thoughts I'd like to share, but... another day...
