If only...

This morning while I was still lying in bed, I overheard Jacob upstairs say,

"I had a dream last night that Caleb came back to life and I thought, 'Please don't let this dream end!'."

Amen, buddy.

Feliz Cumpleanos

Today is Jacob's birthday. He is seven.

He is my baby and I can't believe he's that old.

We kept him home this morning, cancelled our meetings and took him out for breakfast. He had French toast. Then, they let him pick a free dessert. He subsequently ate an entire banana split.

Then we went and played miniature golf - just the three of us (Jacob rarely gets Matt and I all to himself).

It was very fun. I sincerely hope he remembers it forever....

My love/hate relationship with Mother's Day

So yesterday was Mother's Day.

First off, I love my mom. She's really quite cool. And besides just our genetic connection, we share a lot of common interests; music, crochet, shopping, eBay, Arbonne, DDR, chick flicks, reading (we like a lot of the same authors), etc. Plus, I have a great deal of admiration for her in the resilience department. She was a single mom for a short period of time with two baby girls, just over a year apart. As is the natural progression, I appreciate her more in my own motherhood as time progresses. So my mom is pretty superior and the right mom for me.

I was also inundated with homemade cards, flowers and other Mother's Day paraphernalia yesterday. We had to drop Matt off early at church because he had to play on the worship team so the boys were to "take me" out to breakfast (with me driving, of course). We tried Cracker Barrell first, but, as you might imagine, the line was down the sidewalk. Then Waffle House, but that looked equally crowded. So we ended up at Dunkin Donuts, which was quite fine with me, actually. As we went through the drive-through, Josh pulled out a handful of cash. My response was, "Oh, look at how cute you are with your little money!" LOL.

Overall, the boys and Matt were wonderful with the day, offering to do things and asking what else I wanted. I so appreciate them and feel very blessed.

But then there's...

The first year after Caleb died, we made it through the big firsts - Thanksgiving and Christmas, his birthday - and in my mind, I was home free. Well, Mother's Day snuck up and "sucker punched" me. It hit me so very hard. So I guess I've been on the defense a bit since then.

Why does it have to be that my least favorite question now is, "How many children do you have?" I never minded it before. I would proudly brag about my four boys and tell about how crazy and loud it was, all with a smile on my face. Now I have to decide, do I tell them? Do I share about Cub and totally put a damper on this conversation? Or do I just offer "three" and try to move on to something else?

It's been almost three years. I still feel the void. I'll always feel the void. My friend, Bethany, just said to me the other day that when she sees our family, she still notices that someone is missing.

It's almost harder now that life has gone on so much longer without him. We've fallen into such a new normal that it's hard to remember the old one. My heart is filled with gratitude for what we have and what God has done, but there will always be that missing piece.

When I was a kid, I couldn't understand why some people didn't enjoy holidays -- why holidays made them sad. I think we all understand that more as we get older. And I always WANT to find the positive and the reasons to rejoice, but it also heps me to be able and "allowed" to work further into this grieving process.

As a family, we move on to focus on Jacob, our baby, turning seven this week. Seven! There's miniature golf in our near future by his choice and we're looking forward to celebrating a fresh year of growth for him.

As always, I wish God's greatest blessings for you! :-)

Able to leap vomit in a single bound...

I was explaining to Matt last night that mommies have special powers - like super immunity. It gives us the ability to look in the face of fever and vomit and not become sick ourselves.

I have been employing mine as of late. Both of the younger set have been out of commission since Saturday. Micah holds the record for the highest temperature so far - 103 last night. They seem to be on the mend, though. I think Jacob may actually be able to go back to school tomorrow - Mic's probably out until Thursday.

So today I get to do piano lessons and sick duty at the same time. That should be interesting...

On my honor...

The dynamics of siblings is an interesting thing.

Jacob is our youngest son. He's six.

When Joshua and Caleb were younger, I couldn't wait until they were old enough to start doing sports, school, story hour at the library... you name it. I'm finding with the younger "set" (AKA Micah and Jacob) that finding the activities that suit their tastes is a little more of a challenge. I don't know if we're just tired or what.

The other day, someone came to the boys' school to talk to all of the boys about scouting. Something clicked in Jacob. Now, mind you, my three other boys have all heard the same spiel and... nothing. We've never heard another word about Boy Scouts until now. Jacob would NOT stop talking about scouts. His words were, "It is WAY fun. You go camping and fishing and all kinds of stuff."

So after my lessons on Wednesday, Matt, Jacob and I headed off to the scouts open house at a local elementary school. After talking with some very nice parents, we got our little man all set up to join Pack 124 and become a Tiger Cub.

I'm looking forward to seeing how much Matt and Jacob enjoy their scouting times every Wednesday evening. I'm sure he'll be a great (not to mention adorable) little Tiger Cub!

Six years ago today...

...this little monkey came into the world.

Now, mind you, if he had come on time, his birthday would have been over two weeks ago! But, alas, today my baby, my final-born turned six. (See how much he's grown since last year.)



Jacob pretty much thinks that the world should stop and do whatever he commands on his birthday. He didn't have school yesterday. Because of conferences? No. According to him, because of his birthday. We actually had to have a little talk last night to clarify that having a birthday does not justify acting however we want. Believe it or not, I've spanked on birthdays before (gasp!).



Now here's the slightly amusing part. We were a little rushed tonight because Matt and I were going to the Youth for Christ banquet (more about that later) but we didn't want Jay's special day to go by without doing anything to celebrate. We are going to have an official party in a few weeks, but really wanted to commemorate today... well, today. So after the boys got home from school, Matt went to Baskin Robbins to get an ice cream cake. Meanwhile, I fed the boys their dinner and got ready for the cake. Now, even though I've used them since we moved, I couldn't find my candles anywhere. Blast! The only thing I could find were the special number candles: 0, 1 and 5 (which can conveniently be made into any combination of 1, 10, 5, 15, etc.) I was starting to panic a little. I had to have something for this kid to blow out! I discussed my predicament with Josh and he suggested, "Why don't we just use the 5 and 1 because 5 plus 1 is 6?" Time was running out so that was exactly what we did.

So even though it looks like my son turned 51 today, he really is only 6! Oh what a wacky, weird life we lead!

Happy birthday, Jay Jay!

Loss

I went to the cemetery today. I don't go very often. It's too hard sometimes.

I talk to Caleb at the cemetery. I know he's not there and he can't here me, but I talk to him anyway. I think I do it more for me than for him. Actually, I know I do.

What prompted me to go is his little brother. Our youngest, Jacob, has been talking about Caleb more than ever lately. We were pulling into the Walmart parking lot yesterday and heard Jacob crying in the backseat. I asked him what was wrong and he just said, "Caleb" and burst into tears. He acted similarly the rest of the day and even a little today (I'm kind of concerned about school for him tomorrow. They've been off the last two days). Jacob was only four when his brother died. Though it's been just over a year and he's only five now, I still wonder if the reality of what has happened is starting to sink in. I just tell him that he can think about and cry about Caleb as much as he wants. And if he wants to think about him and not cry, that's OK, too.

Loss is such a weird process. Abnormal or unexpected loss more so. I mean, we all have loss. Everyone can relate to losing a grandparent and, sadly and eventually, a parent. My heart breaks for those who lose a spouse. This loss of a child is so...

There are no words. Or manuals. Just layers. And when you think you have worked through your layers, more peel back and are somehow deeper. I told my friend, Sue, that after a year, the highs get a little higher so it seems that when you do fall, you fall further.

So I stand in a cemetery and think about and talk to and miss my ten-year-old. I cry. I push back how much I miss him and think about all that he is experiencing with his Father. That helps. I kiss his grave marker before I leave every time.

And then I go home to three beautiful boys and an incredible husband. I thank God for every day we have and everything with which we have been blessed.

And continue this journey...